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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in whisperintheshade's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, August 30th, 2009
1:22 pm
the new job is going ok. not great but ok. good people but the money is midline at best. i am just use to making so much more money and not having to work nearly as hard for it.

last night i went out with every one from work for a 21 birthday party. i felt old but ended up having a really good time. B makes me feel at ease when she is around. she has a great since of humor and very easy personality. J ended up joining me after some proding. it was good to be in a social situation with him again in adult space at that. there will never be a time in my life that i dont love him. i am also trying to come to terms with the fact that i will also always be drawn to him. i wish there was a way we could have made things work! after so many years of beating each other into submition its just not meant to be. its a sad fact. i find so much comfort in his friendship. i dread and look forward to the day he falls in love again. he deserves to have a woman who rocks his world. i wonder if i will ever stop wishing it was me?

off to clean my condo.

Current Mood: calm
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
1:09 pm
almost two years
its been almost two years since my last entry. talk about a detour! i wouldnt even know where to begin if i were to try to fill in the blanks so im just going to journal and move forward. today has me in a mellow funk. floating with no purpose but i don't mind all that much its been a long week full of work and meetings, tests and side jobs to scrape by. thats just life these days. i always knew i would end up a single mom i just didn't know i would be so ok with it and so lonely all at once. kikki has been an amazing friend through all of this and i really, really don't know what i would do without her!!! the new job is just another serving job but in this economy and with rowans health what it is i took what i could get!

as if they here me getting into something let the choas begin yet if i sit in the room with them nothing happens lol

Current Mood: mellow
Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
6:57 pm
i have come to the conclusion that i really don't like a lot of people in this world. i just don't. the ignorance is just a lot to handel on a daily basis!
Thursday, October 18th, 2007
5:10 pm
reality check
i am honestly on the verge of flipping out on some one. i need a reality check all the way around. october has been really stressful but the thing that is going to put me over the edge is getting an augmentative communication device for Rowan. in a nut shell he is three and a half and non verbal. he has the pop out words but they just don't stick. he uses sign language and has about 30 signs but they are not always consistent and so many people don't use sign that it isn't reliable for him. and he is already learning that so he doesn't use it in less some one initiates it. he can use the PECS system but he really doesn't enjoy using it and it's not an easy system. not to mention if you "do it wrong" you will "confuse the child" and "set back the progress" because "you have to be consistent". so we got the green light from his DDBP who has been working with him for over two years and his speech therapist and every one thinks he is ready. we wait another two and a half months to get in. the day of arrives and every thing that could go wrong did! it was fucking awful for him. i saw behaviors and ticks from him that i have not seen in months! to be honest he tried to kick her in the face and he hasn't lashed out at another person in over a year. that's how bad it was. the woman was a bad match and latter i find out she is not even a specialist in AAC, and there are three other people who should have preformed the evaluation. the hole thing ended with Rowan in a full melt down and me forgetting that i am a professional in the field and loosing it on this therapist to the point of angry tears. basically he is denied "he failed" (because he was set up to fail) and it will be another 6 MONTHS TO A YEAR before he will be evaluated again.

so after i calm down and find my center, two days latter, i call Rowan's speech therapist to find out what our other options are. then i call his DDBP to let her know what happened and to ask if she knows of other options.

well now i have the head of the department blowing smoke up my ass because they "admittedly made several mistakes" and "here's how WE are going to fix it" their fix is another FUCKING FOUR MONTHS AWAY!!! and "here is what WE can do to be proactive wile WE wait" well WE (Rowan's family and Rowan's TEAM OF THERAPISTS have been doing these things for a year to make sure he was ready for this) YOU MADE THE MISTAKE YOU FUCKING FIX IT BY GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE AND A SECOND EVALUATION!!!

FUCK ALL OF YOU!!! FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU IN THE DDBP SPEECH DEPARTMENT!!! i am going to use the $500 in my saving and buy him the equipment myself and his FAMILY AND TEAM will teach him so he has a voice!

i understand that Rowan is autistic, there for developmentally delayed, and that there are many things he can not do, things that will take him years to catch up to his peers, and things that in this life time he will never do. i can handle the reality of these things. i know when to push Rowan to prove them wrong (and he has!) and when to except what is before us. that's one of my responsibilities as his mother. that's why he chose me for the job. the reason this makes me so crazy is because i truly don't feel this therapist gave him an opportunity to succeed! i know Rowan, these other therapists and doctors know Rowan and NONE of them would have put Rowan through this eval or waisted the time and resources if they didn't believe with out a doubt he was ready. DDBP speech also does not realize that this AAC would have a huge positive impact on Rowan's life and on our entire family!

i am heartbroken and angry for my son. . .

Current Mood: heartbroken
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
6:13 pm
i am really pissed off today. i have a lot of reasons, some petty, some valid, none i am proud of. really i think every thing is weighing on me because of sleep deprivation, and so much stress. i realized today the expo is 11 days away. the panic is hitting me! i have so much to do and no fucking time!!!

were is the super human strength and ability to stop time when you need it?!

Current Mood: annoyed
Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
8:42 pm
logan has ANOTHER double ear infection and a sinus infection. with the meds they gave him today he will be taking 6 YES 6 different medications. i am getting a second opt on his allergies. it is rediculous for him to be on this many medications!

rowan has to go to the doc tomorrow because i belive he ALSO has a sinus infection. AND he has gross yellow discharge from his right eye, two words YAY PINKEYE! holding him down for the eye drops is going to be fun!

on a positive note my back is feeling much better....

that is all

Current Mood: sick
Sunday, March 11th, 2007
8:27 pm
so it's been a wiel i know.

work is great! i still love my job and have made great personal progress just from doing something i really love with a group of GREAT people! any thing more said about this would be redundant.

logan is doing great in school. he has moved up another reading class. his math skills are flurishing by the day. at the last parent teacher confrence the teachers only issue with logan is that he some times gets upset about things and crys. i told her that logan has a lot on his plate for a 6 year old boy, that there are things he has to deal with that can some times be very dificult and we are helping him work through this. that it is TOTALLY ok to be sensative, and even to cry if that is what he feels like he needs to do. and just looked at her waiting for her responce, she was wise and had none other than "ok" and moved on to the next subject. i can not imagin and can only try to understand how hard it must be at times for logan to have a brother who is autistic. i know he loves rowan and i stand by the fact that they have a very "typical" relationship. and logan is one of the best thing that will ever happen to rowan. but it must be hard for logan to deal with as a 5, 6 and soon to be 7 year old boy. also in terms of a rough little life logans asthma is very much on the verge of being out of controll! we have seen a doctor at least once every week for the last 5 weeks and they have upped his dosage of meds as well as tried new ones and he is still coughing and weasing every day. the allergist was very little help! i just want him to be able to breath! and i know he is not sleeping well i can hear him coughing in his sleep. again i must say what a lot to deal with as a 6 year old boy!

rowan is moving right along. he will be three in april and he weighs 51 pounds. not fat all stocky little boy. this reason growth spirt since december is causing a few problems. first is the fact that he is almost three but now realises he can through his weight around with me if he doesn't want to do something and it is quite a fight on my hands! i am currently doing the old lady butt walk because my back is out of wack from a shopping trip today. he didn't want to go in the cart. also with this growth spirt is his body mechanics. we had to go see a PT and we are seeing an orthopedic surgen at the end of this month. the PT report in a nut shell, he is signifigantly "knock kneed" (i won't pretend to spell the medical term!) he has laxisity in his hip and knee joints, he has limited range of motion in his left hip flexor, and his right foot is slightly terned in. SO his current ancle braces are helping a bit but not to the exstent he needs. best case senereo braces to his thighs. worst case senero the have to break both his legs. we put in a request for a "special need stroller" and had him fitted because he is to big for the "typical" strollers and can stop them, move them, menover his way around things in them, and has even tipped it over on him self. if i don't put him in the stroller he runs from me with NO REGARD for his saftey. and when i try to hold his hand he almost dislocates his sholder or elbow. his pedatrition showed me how to put his elbow back into place because she belevies "it is not a matter of if but when it will happen" SO the "special needs stroller" they said it is going to be 4 to 6 MONTHS before we get it.... i don't know what i am going to do. ON THE PLUS SIDE rowan is making wonderful gains in SO MANY AREAS! the object schedual is working more and more for him every day. he really gets it and it is wonderful to see the connections being made. he is also doing SO WELL with sign language. it will be no time before we have a solid base. i am still moving forward with getting him an agmentative communication device. oh and i almost don't want to say it for fear of genxing it but i REALLY THINK his first word (again) is going to be please. i know he has had "pop out" words for the last two years but please in all of his vereations is one he has been working on with intent for over a week know almost every day!!!!!!!!!!

well leaving it on a high note!

oh will you take a few min from your life ( i mean you have waisted this much already on my meaningless ramblings) and check out this video!!!!! it is mind opening ('http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc');

Current Mood: crazy
Saturday, December 9th, 2006
2:57 pm
I am happy to say children's hospital has agreed to do the evaluation for Sergeas son!! I never thought when I took this job I would be dealing so much with immigration laws.

I am also realizing that as common sense, street smart, intelligent, what ever you want to label it, I am still very naive about some of the things that go on in the world. It's strange the things that you take for granted in every day life. The things you forget to be grateful of because they are just a way of life. The things that you believe to be a "struggle" or even an obstacle are things that other people would gladly take on, "trade" if you will, for the battles they personally fight. I guess in short, walk in an others shoes, be grateful. These are things I try to do but sometimes I get wrapped up in my own bullshit and need to be reminded the world doesn't revolve around me or my family....Today I was reminded, and I am grateful!
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
9:26 pm
............survey says
Well long story short a LOT of health problems and one hysterectomy later and I am FINALLY starting to feel normal. (What ever that means) I have been up and going with the boys for a week know, and returned to work yesterday. I told the doctor I could give him one month and I did. The surgery was a month ago and the hospital stay was by far the worst part! I am still in pain but I also have a six inch "bikini line" scare and a 40 pound 2 year old who just wants to play. In short, shit happens.

Let's see.....

I still love my job! The one trouble spot is only getting paid once a month and never knowing WHEN I am going to get paid. Well there is also the emotional end of my job but I try not to dwell on that here. It has been quite the week to go back though, yesterday I found out one of our mom's committed suicide, and today I found out one of my little guys (from work) may have lymphoma...... What do you do with that?

Joe is chugging along. He may or may not be getting a promotion in January. I hate the waiting. It just takes TOOOOOO DAMN LONG! Other then that he is great.

Logan is doing amazing in first grade! I need to get him back into a sport though. Being trapped in the house for three weeks wiel I recovered has about made him batty!!! The doctors have said he has full blown asthma now. It sucks big time but we have been able to get it under control.

Rowan. My Rowan. He is doing his thing as always. He has leg braces now to help with his knees, tip-toe walking, and his gate. Hopefully it will only be a year, but if it's more he is still little so he won't remember how much he hates them (I hope). He has also been diagnosed with asthma. It just sucks! The family history for asthma is there on both sides but Joe and I don't have it so we thought the boys would be lucky, guess we were wrong. We have started looking into assisted communication devices for Rowan to help bridge the gap since he still does not have any consitent mode of communication. He does have "pop-out" words here and there but it's nothing consistant so this is the next step. More positive though is he is coming into his own since of humor. He loves "full contact yoga". Ya I said it "FULL CONTACT YOGA"! He stands back, waits patiently,and watches you get into position and then surveying the "weak spot" like the death star comes running full tilt at you, hitting the "weak spot" so that you both come crashing to the floor, where he pro seeds to big belly laugh in tell he is ready for the next attack. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME YOU WILL PULL SOME THING!

Oh, and in my recovery time I have become addicted to CSI. (we all have vices)

Current Mood: peaceful
Sunday, September 17th, 2006
9:36 am
Yesterday was a REALLY BAD DAY! Rowan had three major melt downs and the first was more than likely a seizure. The doctors say from his EEG activities (a 24 hour ambient EEG, and a 48 hour video EEG) he is not having seizures. I say what they have a 72 hour snap shot of his life. I say I know parents who's children have grand mal seizures (the big ones, the type we all think of when you think of a seizure) and they have had MORE THAN ONE EEG that says their child does NOT have seizures. So yesterday as Rowan was having a seizure in Penn Station all I could do was try to make him comfortable and wait for it to end. I know that sounds odd but if I would have tried to take him to the hospital (keep in mind it was me, Logan, and Rowan, Joe was working) I could not have made him comfortable and it would have been over by the time we got there. So I have decided two things, ONE, I am going to buy a video camera to carrie with me (ALL THE TIME) so the next time this happens I can video it and SHOW his doctors what is happening! And TWO share this information with all of you:

For a Non-Convulsive Seizure (complex partial)

Symptoms: Blank staring, aimlessness, chewing motions or lip smacking; often mistaken for drunkenness, drug abuse or mental illness, unable to interact.

Do Not restrain.
Stay calm and track time.
Redirect from hazards or remove hazards.
Do not agitate the person (speak calmly and don't grab)

So stay with the person until recovered. Reassure and reorient. Don't offer food or drink until the person is fully conscious. Allow to rest if necessary.

For a Convulsive Seizure (generalized tonic-clonic, gran mal)

Symptoms: The person will lose consciousness, may fall, stiffen, and make jerking movements. Difficulty breathing may cause the person to turn pale or bluish. The person may drool or become incontinent.

Cushion head.
Remove glasses and loosen any tight neck-wear.
Turn person on side and keep airway clear.
Track time.
Check for epilepsy or seizure disorder I.D.

Put any thing in mouth.
Give oral medications during the seizure.
Give food or drink until the person is fully conscious.

So reassure the person. Allow to rest if necessary. Stay with the person until he or she is fully awake and reoriented.

Call for medical help when:
A convulsive seizure lasts more than five minutes.
The person does not resume breathing after the seizure. Give mouth to mouth resuscitation.
The person has one seizure after another.
The person is injured.
The person requests it.
There is no medical I.D. for epilepsy and the person is not known to have epilepsy.

For More information call the Epilepsy Foundation of Greater Cincinnati.
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
6:10 pm
May I just say....
I am feeling swamped and a little in over my head with my new job, but I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!

Current Mood: happy
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
8:24 pm
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
10:30 pm
ya well,
the floating is over
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
7:43 am
blissful denial?
Okay, I know that I have not been around a lot lately. I don't know exactly what it is. I'm still reading my friends page. Still interested in what is going on in your lives. I just have not updated mine since the "floating", because amazingly enough I am still feeling that way. I have had small moments of my usual panicked/manic-never-stop-go-go-go self, but they are quick and fleeting. And with this calm little center, I have not gone deep sea diving into myself to find out were it comes from because I just want to enjoy it.

Lazy, yes defiantly!
But I REALLY am enjoying what ever this is.

AND to add more craziness to the BIG PICTURE of my life at this moment, I LOVE MY JOB!!! AND the fund raising for Families with ASD is off to a great start as well......

OH! On another flaky note, I am going to meet with a Shaman next month! I'm excited about it. He's proble going to tell me I'm dieing and that is what my calm little center is all about. HA, HA, now THAT is funny!

Current Mood: content
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
12:40 am
Down on the farm.
Today was a really great day!

Logan and I had our first sign language class here at home. We had fun! We both like Jenny our teacher, who is energetic and personable. We also gave every one in the house there new "sign names".

Logan rode a horse for the first time. He also discovered that rabbits prefer to eat the little pink flowers over the little white ones.

Rowan played in the tall grass. He found, tracked, and played with a ladybug in tell she saw fit to fly away. He refused to touch the rabbits,but LOVED feeding them.

I was aloud the clear mind to sit back and watch my two amazing boys discover another little piece of the universe. It was a fantastic day. I took some great pictures, if I do say so myself, that I will post in the next few days.

the only down fall, I missed the photo of Rowan and the ladybug by a 1/4 of an inch.:(

Current Mood: content
Thursday, May 25th, 2006
4:13 pm


Current Mood: ECSTATIC
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
3:18 pm
random thoughts are swimming
First, and almost the most important, 1/2 a percaset, even if the cramps are VICIOUS, is a HUGE NO-NO! I can not stress this enough. I have been miserable since I took it last night. Just all the way around.

Second, my ex-girlfriend found me on myspace and I just don't know what to think. A drink together is definatly in order, I know that much.

Third, I am in line for a GREAT FUCKING JOB! It is the perfect job for me at this point in my life. All I can do is hope the other woman who is up for the job finds something she wants more so I can have this one! Oh please, oh please, OH PLEASE, I WANT THIS JOB!!!

That is all. I am going to nap for 45 min and see if I can try to feel human at some point today.

Current Mood: hu?
8:42 am
And Joe's Grandmother says I Talk Funny!
Your Linguistic Profile::
55% General American English
15% Dixie
15% Yankee
10% Upper Midwestern
0% Midwestern
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
10:34 pm
Saturday, May 20th, 2006
10:06 pm

(easily 3 small pieces, or 2 big ones!)
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